Saudade
by Jackie0922
Summary: After the passing of his twin brother Ben, Kylo Ren is left with the task of fulfilling his final wishes. As Kylo steps back into the life he left behind, he is faced with the consequences of his own selfish choices. Is it too late to atone? Can he put back the shattered pieces of his past? His brother may be gone, but he is the only one still trying to save Kylo Ren from himself.
1. Lacuna

Kylo Ren stared at the door handle of apartment 213, watching the key tremble slightly as he held it an inch from its slot. Two years, and now a lifetime without his brother. _He's really gone_, he tries to tell himself, but the words don't match the image in his mind of Ben, full of life and warmth. The letter he received one week ago is folded neatly in his pocket, detailing his final wishes and demands. He'd explained that his apartment was only to be emptied by Kylo, who of course understood why. They'd shared a womb even before they'd shared a bedroom, so kylo knew more about Ben than anyone on this planet. He'd understand what was important, what was garbage, and what was for him. Not to mention what to hide from mom and dad. The letter had also contained a surprising detail, that Ben had picked up a stray cat six months ago. He warned Kylo that she would be quite hostile at first, prone to biting and putting on a tough front, and while she was not feigning her strength, she was actually the most loving, warm hearted wild creature he'd ever met. He doubted the cat would be staying long, but maybe his mom would take her in. Kylo didn't do pets, especially the hard to deal with kind. Don't get him wrong, he had no problem with animals, the whole _affection_ and caring about anyone aside from himself was where he struggled.

Finally, the key made its way into its designated home, turning at glacial speed. The door opened silently.

Cozy, that was the word that nearly assaulted Kylo's senses upon entrance. The smell, the decor, the entire atmosphere _reeked_ of Ben. It was at least ten degrees warmer in here than it had been in the hallway, so he stripped off his jacket and threw his helmet along with it onto the small armchair closest to him. Damn, it was like Mojave in here, who the hell keeps the heat on this high even if it is December? He took silent, gentle steps toward the kitchen, as if he may shatter the illusion that this place wasn't deserted. His long fingers drifted over the surfaces, a hollow feeling in his chest when he spotted the mug he'd gifted Ben a few years back displayed proudly on the counter. It was just a souvenir gift from the train station, he'd honestly forgotten to get him something and grabbed it before arriving at their mother's. He hadn't even wrapped it, but Ben had still treated it like the freaking holy grail or something. He smirked sadly to himself, trying to stop reminiscing for five minutes and remember why he was here. The sooner he got this place emptied, the better.

There was a surprising lack of cat, and all feline associated items, so far. He spotted the bedroom, he assumed at least, and wondered if perhaps she was kept in there? He felt sick, hoping she hadn't been starving for a week. Surely Ben had some temporary care in place in the event Kylo hadn't shown. It wouldn't have surprised anybody.

He opened the door, preparing for a slew of angry meows or even an aerial assault, but was met with only the sound of soft, even breathing. What the fuck? He dared to step closer in, and that was when he finally noticed the large lump in the middle of the bed. Was this a house pet or some kind of jungle predator?! His fingers trembled slightly as he reached forward, slowly peeling back the thin sheet. A girl, very human, not even slightly a cat, aside from the position she was in. Curled up in a ball, hair a wild tangle of brown, cheeks flush (no doubt from the stifling heat) and pink mouth open slightly in a completely unguarded state of deep sleep. Really fucking funny Ben. _She reminds me of you_, he'd even written. _She's pretty, is that why?_ Kylo silently asked his brother. She looked young, maybe not even in her twenties. Her skin was tan and out of place in a city like Boston this time of year. Freckles danced across her cheeks, reminding him of the constellations he and Ben spent summer nights admiring through their telescope. Why had Ben lied? Probably because he knew it was the only way Kylo would come.

He dared to move slightly closer, and that had been a mistake. The floor below him groaned, and she stirred before sitting up so fast he thought she'd topple from the bed. Her eyes locked onto his, and the panic faded quickly to relief. Brown, no, hazel? "Oh, it's just you." She stared at him, and he stared back, unable to process what was happening. English accent, huh? He put that in the 'not a cat' folder in his mind before focusing his full attention back on her. Did she know he was coming? Still, it was five in the morning, and she was wearing nothing aside from an oversized Citgo t-shirt and a pair of shorts that could also be underwear and oops she noticed his gaze traveling he's in trouble now. He opened his mouth to explain himself, but she was slowly inching closer. "What are you.." She nearly whispered, before rising to kneel before him in the bed. He drew closer, not even of his own accord but drawn by her apparent gravity. She stood now, so their faces were nearly even, her breath ghosting across his skin. "Ben?" She inquired, and his breathing stopped. This wasn't good, not at all. Suddenly he wondered if she knew Ben was even..gone, or not. She had not seemed surprised to see him after all. He had no time to object before she reached out and placed a warm hand to his cheek, her finger tips calloused but soothing. He couldn't even resist as he leaned into her touch. Her look of quiet contemplation quickly turned to outright panic, and she dove backwards, tumbling directly off of the other side of the bed, flailing in a mess of sheets and legs and curses, then scrambling to her feet. "What the actual fuck?!" She cried, hands in her hair. "That's it, I've finally cracked. One week was all it took Rey, and you've gone completely off you rocker." She was spiraling, and all Kylo could do was watch, adding notes to his folder now labeled 'Rey'.

"Hey kid, can you calm down for a fucking second?" She stopped rambling long enough to give Kylo a heated glare. "I will expl- "you're not him." She interjected, and Kylo sighed in relief. "But how did you..?" Her eyes roamed to the picture beside her bed of two boys, arms around each other's shoulders, one with a mess of long dark curls and one with a baseball cap, toothy grins on their almost identical faces. "Kylo?" She supplied, and he nodded. Her defenses were up, the walls slamming into place so quickly he felt it physically even from across the room. Spite replaced confusion, and now he saw fully why Ben had called her wild. Feral, that was a better word. _"Get out."_ She snarled, pointing to the door. He knew by her face that she was far from joking, her eyes were practically ablaze and the room seemed to rise in temperature even further. Oh, this was going to be fun.


	2. Odium

Ren raised his hands in front of him in surrender, hoping to convince her he meant no harm.

"I'm only here because of Ben, you can read this if you don't believe me."

He reached to grab the letter in his pocket, not missing the way she flinched at his sudden movement. He extended the hand holding the letter like an olive branch, and she hesitated slightly before snatching it from his hands. She had actively avoided skin contact. Just who was this girl? As she read over the letter, eyebrows furrowed and eyes scanning rapidly over each word, he took a moment to study her. She seemed frail, like a taught line about to snap. She was so thin he could count the bones in the back of her hand. She had circles under her eyes that rivaled a raccoon, and as his gaze drifted lower he could make out the faded marks of bruises all along her legs, as well as scars that varied in age.

"Fine." His attention was on her again, hoping she hadn't noticed his critical gaze. She looked immensely put out at the idea of him being there, but it seemed Ben's words had been enough to change her decision to kick him to the curb.

"Fine?" He pressed.

"_Fine_, you can do what you need. Then you need to leave. I'll help you." Every word had been forced out, as if she wasn't in control of what she was saying and had fought to let them out.

"If anyone has a say in who stays and who goes it's me, considering the fact that this apartment is now in my name."

He watched as she lost all trust, all sense of safety. As she turned within herself and seemed to crumble. Then, when he was sure she was going to break, her face became void of emotion. Her blazing eyes extinguished. He shuddered, sickened by what his words had done. She squared her shoulders, empty eyes rising to meet his.

"I need to pack. It won't take more than two minutes. Please give me a moment alone, I promise I will take only what's mine."

Ren's guilt at his calloused words surprised him, given the fact that he'd known this girl all of ten minutes. He had to fix this, and fast. Ben had wanted her here, and that's all that mattered right now.

"I never said you had to leave. I was just saying I wasn't going anywhere either. I have no intention of staying, as soon as it's empty I'm gone."

"No surprise there."

Her tone was sardonic, but at least she didn't sound like the living dead any longer.

"Do you have a problem?"

He challenged.

"With you, or just in general?"

She spit back, her previous disdain now reinstated.

He scoffed, rolling her eyes at how quickly she'd bounced back. Kylo was fairly sure he had whiplash.

"How could you have a problem with me? You don't even know me."

Ren was startled by the sharp, cruel laugh that tore from her throat. She snatched a photo from the bookshelf beside her, holding it up so he could see what it was of.

"I don't know you? I know you better than you do. I know exactly who you are, and I hate that. I hate that someone like you even exists. You make me sick. Do you know why? _This_ is why." She shook the picture before pulling it away and clutching it closely to her, almost shielding the family inside it from him.

"I don't..?" He started, but stopped when he saw her eyes were brimming with tears.

"You had everything. You had a family, a home, people who would pull the moon from the sky and give it to you if that's what you wanted. You had it all and you threw it away like garbage. Do you know what I- do you know what some people would give to have that life? And what did you give it up for? You can say what you like, but I know the truth. You're a coward. You were fucking scared, Kylo. You were different, and instead of giving people the chance to understand you, you blamed them and you ran away. You didn't want to be loved, because you didn't want to be trapped. You thought love was a trap, like a fucking cage and you were a bird so you needed to fly or some other bullshit right? You're better than everyone, too good for this town and too good for your fucking small-town-simple-life family. I know you, and I _hate_ you."

Kylo was reeling from the onslaught, partly infuriated at her audacity but mostly at her accuracy. How would she know? How could someone who had never met him even begin to understand how he felt? Like it was so simple, he was so easy to break down and pick apart that even a stranger could figure him out.

"Did Ben tell you that?" It was the only logical explanation, right?

"Ben?! Did Ben say something bad about his precious brother? That's a good one. Do you know what Ben told me about you? He said you were smart, a genius. He said you were funny, how you'd made him pee his pants from laughter on more occasions than he'd like to admit. How you were so kind, how you'd always been there for him when he needed you. He said you took care of him, that you weren't just his brother but his best friend. I believed him, at first. I loved every story he told me of his memories of you. Hell, I wished I'd grown up with a brother like you, that I could be friends with you one day. But then I paid more attention, and I saw the pain in his eyes. I saw the way he'd look at your picture, how he'd get his hopes up every time the phone rang. I watched him slowly fall apart, all the while waiting for you to be there before it was too late. I knew everything he said was a lie. How can a genius forget about a person who loved them with their everything? How can a kind person abandon their best friend? Took care of him? Really? You were there to hold his hand while he cried out in pain even in his sleep? You fed him when he couldn't lift a spoon? Wiped the blood from his mouth when he couldn't even hold down water so that's all that came up? There is one thing he told me that was true. You're hilarious Kylo, a sick fucking joke."

He was shaking now, all traces of anger gone. He was disgusted with himself. He should have been the one.. it shouldn't have been Ben who..

"If I had.. if I'd known that.." he tried to speak but his head was spinning,he felt like he might be sick.

"If you'd known? What, that he was dying?! You're kidding right? That's what it would take to get you to show up? Someone just had to be DYING? Don't you think he knew that? Do you know when he found out? When was the first Christmas you didn't show up? Last year? No, two years ago. That's what he told me. He was going to tell you, but you weren't there. So he waited, to tell you in person. But you never came. So he said he'd tell you on the phone, but you never called. So he said it was better this way, he didn't want you to have to leave the life you worked sooo hard for. Must be quite the life if Ben would rather die than drag you away from it. Do you know how much he missed you? Do you even have any idea? Ben, he.. he.._Ben_.."

Tears were pouring from her eyes in a steady stream, but now they shut as she began to drop. Kylo didn't even react as she fell half on the floor, half on the bed. Her body had just crumbled in on itself. Kylo reaches forward, shaking hand barely grazing her forehead before it was enveloped in the intense heat of her skin. She was burning up, he now realized. The flush of her cheeks wasn't just from being so upset, she was definitely sick. As if on autopilot, he rose from his crouch beside her, lifted her in his arms into the bed, placed a light sheet over her slack form, and turned out the light. As he searched the cabinet in the bathroom for some medicine, he made the unfortunate mistake of glancing in the mirror on the back of the door. Ben, his mind supplied, and he finally broke. His back collided with the bathroom door before he slid down and dropped his head into his hands, sobs wracking through him like punches to his stomach. It was agony, and he deserved it.


End file.
